Posts Tagged ‘Frustration’

The definition of insanity

19 June 2009

Disciplining middle schoolers. Can you imagine a more thankless task? I had a recent experience of watching teachers trying to keep 6th graders in line, trying it discipline them, impose sanctions, etc. The teachers didn’t get very satisfactory results—to say the least.

I have a 6th grader myself, so I struggle with this challenge. What I noticed about other people (the teachers and students) is that they were locked in at least one recurring pattern. Each person was repeating the same behavior and getting the same reaction from the other. Here’s how the patterns might look:patterns-for-blog1

In the first pattern, the teacher would ask the student to do something or for an explanation of their behavior, and the student would ignore or dismiss the request, even become intransigent. In the second pattern, the teacher would tell the student what to do, and the student would rebel, refuse to do the task or do something the teacher didn’t want them to do.

As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again—and expecting a different result. When two or more people are stuck in a pattern they are both acting “insane” because they keep doing the same thing but hope for a different result.

When you’re stuck in a pattern, not getting the results you want, there’s only one thing to do: change your own behavior. You can’t control the other person’s behavior (especially a teenager’s), but you can control yours.

In other words, try something different and see what result it has. What if you “offered,” “explained,” or “thanked” them? Chances are they’d respond differently.

It’s hard to tell when we ourselves are stuck in a pattern. It’s easier for an outsider to see it, so ask for help. Try using the diagram above to reveal the pattern.

The more you can detect you’re stuck in a pattern, identify it, and act to break the pattern, you’ll be far more effective as a influencer—whether you are trying to sway the CEO, your siginificant other, or a teenager.

Comments (2)  •  Email This Post  •  Influence Leader Home
Technorati  •  Del.icio.us  •  Digg This!  •  Stumble It!  •  Facebook  •  Twitter
Tags: , , ,

What do you really want?

23 April 2009

The last blog entry dealt with trying to understand the hidden needs of the people you are working with, the people you want to influence.

But what about your own needs? Have you stopped to consider what your needs are in this situation?

I’m not talking here about your strategy and tactics. I mean your personal, emotional needs. You’ve got needs just like anyone else, and chances are, your actions are influenced by those needs.

For example, one of the universal frustrations of influence leaders is being left out of important conversations. Your project gets discussed in a meeting you weren’t invited to. A decision gets made that affects you, but you didn’t have an opportunity to give input. Very frustrating.

Don’t act out of frustration. Pause to consider what your need is in this case:

  • Is it involvement/belonging? (Do you want to be included in the group that is making the decisions?)
  • Is it purpose/meaning? (Do you want to understand the purpose of your project? Do you want understand your work in the larger context and give it meaning?)
  • Is it recognition/respect? (As a key player in the project, do you feel that you are not being given the recognition or respect you deserve?)

Once you have a sense of your need is, you can start to make choices about how to satisfy that need, like deciding whether to talk to someone, who to talk to (e.g., confidant, coach, peer, boss), and how to approach them.

Make sure that the person you are talking to wants to hear about your needs. They should be, if they want you to be successful. However, if they don’t care, don’t bother. You’ll only lose ground. Most of the time, though, if you approach someone asking to raise something that’s troubling you, they’ll be receptive.

Whatever your situation, you’ll be more successful in filling that legitimate, personal need if you stop to identify it—and only then decide how to address it.

Comments (5)  •  Email This Post  •  Influence Leader Home
Technorati  •  Del.icio.us  •  Digg This!  •  Stumble It!  •  Facebook  •  Twitter
Tags: , ,

What do they really want?

21 April 2009

Suppose you are working with someone, negotiating with them to get something you want and they want. Perhaps you are trying to agree on how to set up a new, joint project. Or, you are simply trying to get their input on a decision you get to make.

And, yet, you’re coming up with nothing. Their concerns are all over the map, and when you try to drill down to understand, they get really general and vague.

It may be time to pull back from the substance of the process, the actual facts and details of the deal or decision.

And, consider the possibility that they have underlying needs that are not being met. They don’t want to reveal these needs because they might “lose face.” Or, they might not even understand their own needs in that moment.

But, how do you figure out their needs when they aren’t forthcoming? The answer: You guess. You try to figure out what they really want by making your best guess. Then see what happens: Did they shift?

OK, but where to start? Here is a list of a few very common needs people have. In most situations, you’ll find that one or more of these needs (or a version of them) is behind their confusing behavior.

  • Influence over others: Being able to have an impact on others
  • Involvement/belonging: Being a significant part of the group or project
  • Fairness/justice: Being treated fairly and seeing others treated that way
  • Safety: Feeling safe from attack and able to speak freely
  • Freedom/autonomy: Having control over what they do and getting to make their own decisions
  • Purpose/meaning: Being connected to a larger purpose, goal or vision; to see their actions as having greater significance
  • Recognition/respect: Being treated with respect by others and recognized for what they contribute

They are many ways you can address these needs in a given situation, but the first step is to understand some underlying need is not being met. Then, guess at what it is and try something to address it. Ask for an opinion. See if they are feeling “dissed.” Provide them with some choice or control.

Figure that out and then you’ll find that you and they can get back to the substance of the conversation.

Comment (1)  •  Email This Post  •  Influence Leader Home
Technorati  •  Del.icio.us  •  Digg This!  •  Stumble It!  •  Facebook  •  Twitter
Tags: , ,

Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?

19 June 2008

You may be plagued by a person whose actions utterly perturb or confound you. This may be someone you have much in common with—shared interests, mutual goals, and a lot of reasons to work together. It would be so great if the two of you were able to work together in harmony.

And, yet, they seem to disrespect you, dismiss your ideas, and even attack you. And, frankly, you’ve had enough. Am I right?

You may be starting to think of this person as a scoundrel, as someone who hates your guts or, maybe just as worse, someone who doesn’t give you or your guts a moment’s thought. You may characterize this person in all sorts of unflattering ways: as a jerk, bully, loose cannon, villain, or enemy-certainly not someone to be trusted.

And, yet, despite their seemingly inexplicable and unfriendly behavior, there may be another reason why they are behaving this way. They may be intending to come across entirely differently. They may actually be good people. I know that’s hard to believe, but it is possible, no?

So, ask yourself: Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person shut me down in a meeting? Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person work counter to their own interests? Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person make a big decision about my job without consulting me?

There probably are other explanations for their behavior—explanations that haven’t occurred to you. By asking yourself Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?, you pull yourself out of a rut, open up to new ways of thinking, and even start to feel some release from stress. Your head starts to clear out, you’re thinking better, and getting more curious about the other person’s reason for behaving this way.

Now you’re getting ready to go talk to the other person, to explore their intentions and even to describe how you interpreted their behavior. I can’t promise that the conversation you’re about to have will be a cakewalk, but entertaining that question Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? will make it easier for you to get to the truth and repair the relationship.

Comment  •  Email This Post  •  Influence Leader Home
Technorati  •  Del.icio.us  •  Digg This!  •  Stumble It!  •  Facebook  •  Twitter
Tags: , ,