Mind the gap! That’s the warning on the London Underground to be careful of the gap between the subway car and the platform.
It’s also a useful reminder of the sometimes wide gap between what we intend to tell people and how others receive our message or perceive us. We may think that our intentions are clear, but sometimes we find that they have been badly misinterpreted by others.
If we’re lucky, we figure out there’s a gap and can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t learn about the gap in time.
Here is a cautionary tale that illustrates the gap between what we intend to do and how we are perceived by others. It was contributed by a reader named “Nanner.”
One of my earlier City jobs was in the Personnel Department and one year I was graced with coordinating the budget. This was back in the day of 80-80 printouts. The department head and his deputy would go out for drinks after work and talk about the budget. My role was to stay in the office (no OT) and wait for them to come back. I’d white out the old numbers and put in the new so the update could be run for the next day. You might imagine that I soon tired of this routine. I thought if I could be at the table when they were making their decisions, it would save time for me.
So how to get at the table? I knew the direct approach was unlikely to be effective. So one evening before five o’clock, I walked down the hall saying, “Anyone want to go out for a drink after work?” Needless to say, that did not have the desired result.
Fast forward to a promotional opportunity. I applied, was interviewed, and no decision was ever announced. I figured to heck with these folks and found a better job at another department. At my exit interview, I learned that I had given the impression that I was more interested in going out for a drink than I was in doing my work!
That’s when I learned about unsaid expectations - metrics that people are measured by without even knowing it. I decided that was terribly unfair. So I have been hyperconscious ever since about making my expectations for working with others very clear. That has become especially important as I moved into supervisory and managerial roles. It has worked well.
Nanner’s strategy of concealing her intentions backfired. She invited people for drinks rather than asking directly for what she needed. She now clearly negotiates expectations with others to reduce the chances that each other’s intentions will be misunderstood. This practice of hers dramatically reduces “the gap.”
Liked the Nanner story as a case study. Real example to grab on to for me.
Philip
Hi Eric.
My immediate thought about your posting was that ‘the gap’ can/often is made worse by using communication technologies (e.g. email, IM, blogs, even phone). Something to watch out for. Great site/blog. Congrats!
I couldn’t agree more, Scott. I see this happen all the time when people send off quick, cryptic notes. In fact, I find in high-conflict (low trust) situations, people actually communicate more using asynchronous, electronically mediated tools (like e-mail) because they are afraid to talk face-to-face. Unfortunately, this usually makes the situation worse!